From: Enrico M. <oci...@gm...> - 2012-04-24 15:40:35
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Hi all, really great text, still some minor remarks on language/style: 1- "longer" development cycle? Longer than what? I'd suggest either "rather long" or (better sounding) "fairly long". 2- "bring to you": either "brings you" or "will bring you". 3- "new cars and new carsets": I'd prefer "new cars and car sets", less verbose and IMO more correct ("carset" isn't in the dictionary). 4- "you can choose between X cars": "between" is used for groups of 2; I'd suggest "you can choose among X cars". 5- "day time and weather condition": IMHO "time of day and weather conditions" sounds better. 6- IMHO, and only IMHO, it's weird to have 3 noun-only sentences, then 2 with a verb, then 2 more noun-only. I'd suggest changing the 2 having the verb, in this way: "Improved physics engine and tweaked AI opponents for a more realistic driving experience and maximum challenge" "New career mode allowing gamers to take on a lifetime professional career" (why only "start"? At least, if everything is now ok with career mode ;-) ) 7- "improved physics and opponents": two subjects want the verb without -s ("make"). 8- "Speed Dreams offer": "offers" is better for singular subject (unless you argue that "Speed Dreams" is plural, but it is a proper noun. 9- "cool designed and improved usability": ugly, IMHO, a participle and then a noun. Much better is "cool design and improved usability". 10- "explore [...] video tutorials at YouTube": IMHO "on YouTube" is better. 11- IMHO a space after the slash (e.g. "Windows/ Linux") is ugly. 12- "as a 3D artists who are using Blender: either "as 3D artists who are", or (better) "as a 3D artist who is". 13- "lowpoly" is not in the dictionary, "low-poly" is. 14- "if you are not [...] but you like to support": IMHO "but would like to support" better fits. 15- "a Apple": "an Apple" is better (a banana is best ;-) ) 16- "you can help us to port: "you can help us porting" is probably better. 17- "details how to contact": "details on how to contact". Only my 2 pence... Cheers Ocirne |