I couldn't help chuckling reading this.
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From: James Baughn <jbaughn@...>
To: Humorix Mailing List <humorix@...>
Subject: [humorix] We Don't Want To eXPerience Windows Again
Date: Sun, 28 Oct 2001 23:49:30 -0600
Warning: humorous content ahead.
To prevent overdosage for the sensitive readers, please
take your discussions to humorix-l@......
We Don't Want To eXPerience Windows Again
October 28, 2001
Yes, we did the unthinkable. We installed a copy of
Windows XP on a machine here at Humorix World
Headquarters. After watching all of the hype and hyperbole
of the Windows XP launch (including Bill Gates or his
clones appearing on such TV shows as "Regis And Somebody
Else Live" and "The SeeBS Evening News & Advertisements
With Dan Blather"), we figured that we should at least try
out the latest Windows downgrade in an attempt to "know thy
It won't happen again.
At first the staff at the Humorix Vast Research Labs(tm)
refused to even contemplate the idea of allowing a
Microsoft product to enter the premises. However, after
threatening to cut off their caffeine and beer supply, they
quickly compromised. They would install Windows XP on a
spare computer, but only if the room was quarantined and
they were allowed to wear hazmat suits while touching the
XP installation CD and the keyboard of the "infected"
computer. Once they were finished reviewing XP, the
computer would be burned and the ashes sent to a toxic
waste dump. Obviously, you can't be too careful these
Of course, we still needed to obtain a copy of Windows XP.
We thought about grabbing a pirated copy, but we've already
eXPerienced one attack from the Intellectual Property
Police and their fleet of unmarked black helicopters. We
didn't want to go through that again.
After much shouting, it was agreed that the lab technicians
would draw straws to decide which one would go down to
CompUSSR and purchase a sealed copy of Windows XP. The
unlucky lab worker -- after receiving a handsome check for
hazardous duty pay -- was dispatched to complete the
dangerous assignment. Since the box's shrinkwrap remained
intact during the journey back to Humorix World
Headquarters, we don't think any cross-contamination
occured. Again, you simply can't be too careful these
The unlucky lab technician then entered into the
quarantined room and proceeded to break the shrinkwrap on
the dangerous Windows XP box. During the next six hours,
while everybody else waited outside in safety and watched
the unfolding drama on closed-circuit TV, the technician
installed Windows, re-installed it three more times because
of problems, and then finally reviewed the new operating
system. Upon completion of the mission, the hapless
computer was destroyed and sent to silicon heaven.
Unfortunately, the next day the technician became ill with
"flu-like symptoms". Because his hazmat suit was never
breached during the whole ordeal, we can be confident that
his sickness is merely psychosomatic. Nevertheless, he has
been given a prescription of Cipril for the next 60 days.
You just can't be too careful these days.
Below is the report that the technician submitted:
REVIEW OF WINDOWS XP
by Mr. Ginne E. Pigg, Humorix Lab Technician
Before I begin, I must protest this assignment. I joined
Humorix thinking that I would have access to state-of-
the-art Linux boxes along with other goodies that the
Humorix Research Labs(tm) has stolen from the future. If I
had known that I would be installing Windows boxes all day,
I would have went ahead and sold my soul to Bill Gates and
made about 100 times more money working at Microsoft.
Blasphemy, I know, but I'm pissed off.
Okay, so here's the deal. The installation wasn't as bad
as I first expected. It only crashed twice and I only had
to re-install three times. That's a pretty good track
record for a Microsoft product. In addition, the
registration procedure was simple: I only needed to type in
a 512-character key and then submit my social security
number, credit card number, shoe size, occupation, and
address. It wasn't nearly as painful as it could have
After completing the installation process in about two
hours (a new record, I'm sure), I was greeted with a
"Dancing Start Menu" that said "Click Start To Begin". I
spent an hour figuring out how to shut up the darn thing
when I discovered the following entry buried within the
H_KEY_XP: H_BILL_GATES_RULES: KEY_UNDOCUMENTED:
SHUT_OFF_STUPID_ANIMATIONS = false
However, setting this key to "true" didn't seem to do
anything. After some digging, I realized that Windows XP
maintains two Registries: the _real one_ and the one the
luser sees. Accountants cook their books, Windows cooks
I did some snooping with a hex editor and uncovered some
disturbing keys hidden within the real Registry. For
instance, "KEY_PERSONAL_INFO" contains such entries as
"PGP_KEY", and most troubling,
It seems clear that Windows XP maintains a large database
of sensitive information on each user and then phones home
periodically. Of course, we shouldn't jump to
conclusions. These keys might mean something entirely
different or could be a joke by some bored Microserf. The
whole "NSA_KEY" brouhaha turned out to be nothing, and so
The double-Registry isn't the only disturbing new feature.
According to a recent CNN article, Windows XP allows users
to delete files from the hard drive. This statement might
seem 100% obvious, but in reality it's 100% false. Windows
doesn't delete files, it only pretends to. When you empty
the "Recycle Bin", everything goes to the hidden
"Meta-Recycle Bin". I would consider this a bug, but
Microsoft's marketing department spins this as a "feature"
that "prevents users from accidentally deleting an
important document or misplacing one of the 10,521 DLL
files necessary for Windows XP to function properly."
Of course, the conspiracy theorists will have a field day
with this new "feature". The FBI&PV will undoubtedly love
the ability to recover ancient incriminating documents from
an XP hard drive that the user mistakenly thought he had
deleted years before. And let's not forget about hard
drive manufacturers. Users will have to add new hard
drives just so they can store all of the crap they've
deleted (and then after adding a new piece of hardware they
will have to re-register their copy of XP).
However, it seems clear that the real motivation behind the
Meta-Recycle Bin is simple: to prevent Linux from being
installed. XP purposefully scatters the "deleted" files
all over the hard drive. This makes it impossible to
re-partition the hard drive for a dual-boot setup without
first completely wiping Windows XP and everything else.
Meanwhile, the limited amount of free space available will
preclude many users from installing Linux distros that run
on top of Windows.
The conspiracy theorists will also have a field day with
another "feature" that requires users to purchase expensive
software to play high-bitrate MP3s. I have a feeling that
BEHTGs (Big Evil Hollywood Trade Groups) have a hand in
Microsoft's marketing weasals spin this "feature" as a good
thing because it protects the user from the negative
consequences of downloading pirated content. The FAQ
included with online help (definitely an oxymoron) answers
the question "Why the hell can't I play MP3s?" with "The
RIAA has threatened to launch denial of service attacks
against computers containing pirated material. By
discouraging the use of pirated MP3s, Windows XP is looking
out for your best interests."
The FAQ's next question, "But what if I have MP3s that I've
obtained legally?", is answered with, "There's no such
thing. Legitimate music is only stored in WMP (Windows
Monopoly Player) format. So there."
I suppose it doesn't matter anyway because I couldn't
figure out how to un-mute the sound. I tried everything to
increase the volume but without success. The only thing
that came close was Start -> Control Panel -> Multimedia ->
All Hail Bill Gates -> Sound/Music -> Settings -> Just Say
No To MP3s -> Controls -> Volume -> [Error: Shortcut Not
At this point I had spent six hours trapped inside my
hazmat suit sitting in front of an infected computer. I
couldn't take it much longer. I decided to try out one
more thing before chucking the doomed computer to the fire.
That's right, I wanted to eXPerience the most popular
portion of Windows since version 1.0: Solitaire. I quickly
discovered that XP Solitaire was different from previous
versions. First, it featured an online "two-player" mode
allowing you to play Solitaire against other lusers
connected to MSN. The most striking difference, however,
was that it seemed rigged. I played 16 hands and never once
saw an ace. Windows, it appears, doesn't want you to win.
So there you have it. Except for a few minor changes -- no
deleting, no MP3s, no privacy, no winning -- Windows XP is
a carbon copy of Windows ME, which is a carbon copy of
Windows 98, which is a carbon copy of Windows 95, which is
a carbon copy of Mac OS.
In case you're wondering, XP still crashes. And it still
Given the choice between exposure to Anthrax and exposure
to Windows XP, I'd prefer Anthrax any day.
Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note
Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/
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